April 16, 2024

17 More Babylon Bee Headlines From Bible Times


Brought to you by Revelation Media:

It’s hard to believe, but The Babylon Bee was only created in 2016. It may surprise you to know that Moses has never heard of us, which is too bad because he could’ve used a laugh while wandering in the wilderness for 40 years. And just imagine King Solomon, in his wisdom, seeking out Bee headlines to help cope with the stress of 700 wives nagging at him.

Here’s what we might have written if we lived back in Bible days:

OLD TESTAMENT

Talking Serpent In Garden Of Eden Added To Panel Of ‘The View’

People Of Babel Fined For Building Tower Without Proper Permits

First ‘Transgender Day Of Visibility’ Interrupted By Freak Storm Of Fire And Brimstone

Abraham’s Servant Asks if He Can Just Pinky Promise Instead of Swearing by His ‘Inner Thigh’

Conspiracy Theorist Alexi Jonas Stoned for Saying Jericho Was ‘An Inside Job’

Wife Upset Husband Always Off Sacking Philistine Villages, Doesn’t Help Out Enough At Home

Samson Just Got A Haircut And YOU WON’T BELIEVE What He Looks Like Now!

Philistines Call For Common Sense Sling Control Following Death Of Goliath

Israelites Groan As David Adds Unnecessary Chorus To Song Of Moses

Prophet Asks God if He Really Needs to Travel for 3 Weeks Just to Say a Couple Sentences

Nehemiah Says He Will Build Wall, Make Persia Pay For It

NEW TESTAMENT

Joseph, Mary Jailed For Failing To Pay Gift Taxes On Gold, Frankincense, Myrrh

Synagogue Keyboardist Plays Drawn Out Worship Chord As Jesus Rolls Up Isaiah Scroll

Lame Man Healed By Christ Disappointed He Now Has To Walk Everywhere

Learn How To Earn 30 Pieces Of Silver With This One Cool Trick!

Sweating Timothy Asks Paul If They Can Just Tell People He’s Circumcised

Book Of Revelation Predicts Apocalyptic Hellscape Of California


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When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.


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