April 17, 2024

CDC Officially Changes COVID Guidelines To Whatever Your Uncle Frank Said About It Years Ago


WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a new meta-analysis of COVID data, the Center for Disease Control has updated its guidelines to just do what your hillbilly Uncle Frank said to do four years ago.

“After tasking dozens of the best minds in science to review hundreds of studies, we have determined that Uncle Frank was right the whole time,” announced C.D.C. director Dr. Mandy Cohen. “Basically, just treat it like the flu. So, um, sorry about that whole ‘you can’t be with your dying husband’ deal. Our bad.”

According to sources, Uncle Frank had said the exact same thing back in 2020 when the whole COVID thing began. “Despite no formal medical or epidemiological training, Uncle Frank has somehow managed to continually stay a step ahead of the C.D.C.,” said researcher Dr. Stan Makowski. “Frank’s sage advice to ‘let ’em stick ya with that there vaccine only if COVID might kill ya’ has now been backed up by a large body of research. He also prophetically called for people to ‘forget about that dumb social distancing crap, just stay home if you’re sick’. Such an incredible mind! Uncle Frank’s brilliance knows no bounds.”

The C.D.C. has now officially changed all of its guidelines to match Uncle Frank’s recommendations for COVID, as well as all other infectious diseases. For his part, Uncle Frank has declined all offers to take a position with the C.D.C., reportedly saying, “Those swamp things would have to drag my cold, dead body out there, I’ll tell ya that right now.”


It’s a serious medical emergency: you’re minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.


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