April 17, 2024

China Offers To Send 100,000 Soldiers To Taiwan To Assist With Earthquake Cleanup

BEIJING — In what the media hailed as an inspiring show of international diplomacy and compassion, China offered to send 100,000 soldiers to Taiwan to assist with earthquake cleanup.

Following a devastating 7.4-magnitude earthquake, the Chinese government graciously reached out to Taiwanese President Tsai Ing-wen to inform her that China had 100,000 soldiers ready and waiting to enter the country to help with rescue efforts.

“We are here for you,” Chinese President Xi Jinping said in a statement. “We see that you are in a very weakened and vulnerable state following this unfortunate earthquake and would like to extend an offer to send an inva — er, excuse me, search and rescue force including 100,000 highly trained military personnel to help you clean up the mess. Don’t mind the fact that they will be carrying fully automatic weapons and shouting angrily at civilians. These are only precautions.”

While Taiwanese authorities had not provided an immediate response to the offer, the Chinese government appeared to be taking the initiative to send help anyway. “No need to respond,” Xi said. “We are already on our way. You will not be able to withstand the force of our… earthquake cleanup assistance.”

Chinese authorities also clarified that heavily armed tanks would be delivering food, water, and “some other items” that would make a “tremendous impact.”

At publishing time, the Chinese government stressed that their 100,000 “cleanup” soldiers would be staying in Taiwan for as long as necessary, and probably even longer.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.

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