WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Democratic Party has officially nominated the toppled National Christmas Tree for President of the United States.
“FALLEN TREE 2024!!” shouted frenzied Democratic voters as the nominee was unveiled. “Fall! Fall! Fall!”
Though President Biden had been the party’s presumptive nominee, the National Christmas Tree launched itself into contention by falling over and staying very still. “This is precisely the sort of leadership our country needs right now,” said DNC member Art Halverson. “While we appreciate everything President Biden has done to lead the nation over the last few years, once we saw that tree hit the ground, we knew we had found his logical successor. The National Christmas Tree has shown us everything we need to see to know that it is 100% presidential material.”
Though Democrats have maintained confidence that the Bidem administration has led the country with excellence and dignity, some people within the party have questioned Biden’s viability moving forward due to his age and signs of mental and physical decline. “We love Joe,” said one member of the committee who asked to remain anonymous. “But we’ve all seen him showing his age. Fallen Tree is still in its prime and shows every bit of the inability to stay upright as President Biden. Moving from the Biden administration to the Christmas Tree administration would be quite seamless.”
At publishing time, the White House refused to comment on rumors that the tree was actively being groomed to take Biden’s place on the 2024 ticket while also adamantly maintaining that the tree had never fallen in the first place and was the strongest National Christmas Tree in American history.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.