May 21, 2024

Dublin Opens Portal To Hell — Oh, Wait, It’s Just New York


DUBLIN — Horrified onlookers were left stunned and disgusted while peering through what they believed could only have been a portal to Hell itself before being told that they were only looking at New York City.

What turned out to only be high-tech sculptures intended to provide spectators with a real-time video link between Dublin and New York was initially confused with an open doorway to a realm of torture, evil, and utter darkness due to the unspeakable things witnessed by shocked viewers.

“I could only assume ‘twas the home of Satan himself,” said Dublin resident Declan Murphy. “A vast, wretched wasteland… refuse and human scat litterin’ the streets… people pillagin’ and assaultin’ other folks. Hollerin’… screamin’… bloodshed. I saw things no one would ever imagine could happen on this earth. But, no, come t’find out it’s just New York City.”

Others who peered into the portal drew the same initial conclusion. “It was like a real-life nightmare, it was,” said Nora Sullivan. “I’m all but certain I saw a man walk by carrying a severed human leg the same way you’d carry a loaf of bread. There was fire… and what appeared to be dead bodies rottin’ in the background. ‘This is Hell’ I thought to myself. Then someone said it was just New York. Dear saints preserve us… NEW YORK!”

At publishing time, authorities in Dublin issued a statement saying they had set up trauma centers to provide counseling and mental health assessments for anyone who had seen the hellish portal into New York.


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