May 21, 2024

Exercise And 10 Other Dangerous Far-Right Health Conspiracies


Brought to you by: biöm

Do you stay active to maintain your physical fitness? If so, it’s a foregone conclusion that you’re a far-right extremist, whether you knew it or not. In fact, exercise isn’t the only dangerous right-wing health conspiracy invading American life.

The Babylon Bee is here to perform a public service by warning you about exercise and 10 other dangerous far-right health conspiracies to watch out for:

  1. Drinking water: Why hydrate with the liquid God made when you can fill yourself up with beverages made from ingredients you can’t pronounce?
  2. Getting sunlight: Whatever you do, for the love of all that’s holy, don’t leave your house. Stay inside and binge-watch some predictive programming.
  3. Eating meat that wasn’t 3D-printed: Do you hate animals and the earth so much that you have to eat real meat, you bloodthirsty savage?
  4. Not having drunken sex with 300 different people you randomly met at a club each year: Living a decent, monogamous lifestyle and raising a family is no way to go through life.
  5. Bathing: Every time you bathe, you contribute to water scarcity and climate change. Horrible.
  6. Improving mental health by laughing at inaccurate conservative memes: Only fill your brain with disinformation from reliable mainstream media sources.
  7. Spending time with dear friends and having deep conversations late into the night over cigars: The only physician-approved treatment for loneliness is an antidepressant.
  8. Procreation to preserve the human race: You know who else promoted having children? Hitler.
  9. Lifting weights: The only reason to become physically stronger is to oppress minorities.
  10. Keeping the genitals you were born with: Everyone must transition at least once if they don’t want to be branded an oppressor.

If you want to keep yourself from being a dangerous far-right extremist, do whatever you can to avoid engaging in the activities listed above at all costs. Remember, an unhealthy society is a compliant society.


NOT SATIRE: Look, we get that the world is a little crazy right now and your crusty toothpaste tube is the last thing on your mind. We think the whole concept needed an overhaul and that’s exactly what our dentist did.

Why? Because fluoride is so last century and squeezing goo from a tube is about as thrilling as watching paint dry. NOBS Toothpaste Tablets change that with an easy to use, effective formula. Biöm is here to make brushing your teeth an adventure, minus the dragons.

Forget fluoride and embrace nano hydroxyapatite, the hero ingredient that’s here to make your teeth as strong as your opinions. nHA might be a fancy term we’re pretty sure was coined by a scientist who wears socks with sandals, but it’s the safer alternative to unlocking a life of decay-free, sparkling white teeth.

With NOBS, you’re not just cleaning your teeth; you’re joining an elite club of rebels who dare to smirk at the status quo.

So, if you’re ready to take a stand against the tyranny of traditional toothpaste and embrace a life where every brush is a brush with destiny, NOBS is your weapon of choice.

Switch to biöm’s NOBS Toothpaste Tablets and help us turn every cynical chuckle into a force for good. Because who says you can’t save the world with a smile?


Want proof that Jesus was a woke socialist? Look no further than these classic quotes straight from the Bible.


Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more tactical instruction



Source