April 17, 2024

History Made As Unitarian Church Ordains First Openly Heterosexual Minister


SALEM, MA – In a huge step forward for diversity and inclusivity, the Unitarian Church ordained its first openly heterosexual minister.

“All paths lead to Heaven — even straight ones,” said former Unitarian minister Daisy Rogers. “After decades of nothing but queers, we are proud to tear down the walls and welcome Minister Craig Mullins, the first heterosexual minister in Unitarian church history.”

According to sources, Mullins had lived the first three decades of his life as a closeted heterosexual before finally discovering the courage to come out. “It was so scary, wondering if my church would accept me for who I was,” explained Mullins. “Having grown up in a Unitarian church in Seattle, I had never even met a straight person before. Deep down though, I knew I could not keep living a lie. It was terrifying, but I’m so glad to finally be living authentically. If I can give just one kid out there in church the courage to be straight, it was all worth it.”

Though many within the church have been accepting of non-gay minister, several parishioners have expressed discomfort. “First it’s letting in a straight minister, next thing you know preachers will be saying that Jesus is the Son of God,” said local church member Reyna Manthei. “I won’t stand for it.”

At publishing time, members of the Salem Unitarian Universalist Church had demanded Pastor Jeff either resign or start feeling attracted to dudes.


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