SOLVANG, CA — A local uncultured peasant was unable to make it to work Monday because his Uber driver arrived in a brand-new Tesla Model 3 and he couldn’t figure out how to open the door.
“What is this? The handle’s in the door? What?” said the poor ignorant fool, later identified as Gene Wilkins. “Is this the devil’s magic?”
The Uber driver advised the unsophisticated yokel he need only use his thumb to push the wide part of the door handle, thus causing it to pivot toward him, allowing him to pull upon it like a normal car door. Tragically, the illiterate caveman still couldn’t make heads or tails of it.
“I am pushing,” Wilkins said as he put all his body weight on the door. “It’s not working! This Elon Musk guy must be a moron. He can’t even figure out how to make a car door that works!”
Witnesses report the driver was eventually chased away by his would-be passenger when Gene Wilkins accused the driver of witchcraft and threatened to burn him at the stake. “I will burn your house and salt the earth upon which it stands!” Wilkins allegedly screamed as the driver fled. “May your bloodline come to an end!”
At publishing time, the dumb country bumpkin had become confused again by a credit card machine asking him to “tap” his card to pay instead of inserting it.
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