SAN DIEGO, CA — National fast-food chain Jack in the Box was forced to declare bankruptcy today immediately after news broke that hip hop artist Snoop Dogg announced he is giving up smoking weed.
“There’s no way the company can survive this loss,” said Jack in the Box spokesman Brian Pillman. “This may not have been widely known among the general public, but Jack in the Box has been staying in business for the last quarter-century because Snoop Dogg accounts for roughly 65% of our revenue. If he’s not smoking weed — and not getting the munchies at 2 A.M. — we’re ruined.”
The nationwide chain will now be forced to oversee the closing of virtually all of its franchise locations unless Snoop has a change of heart. Other, less-famous Jack in the Box fans made desperate pleas for the rapper to keep up his smoking habit. “Snoop! Dude! C’mon, man! You have to help Jack in the Box stay in business, bro!” said Tom Zenk, who also relies on Jack in the Box to satisfy his midnight munchies attacks. “If I can’t hit up Jack in the Box for some cheap tacos in the middle of the night, I don’t know what I’ll do. Please, Snoop! You have to save Jack in the Bizzle!”
At publishing time, representatives for the rapper could not be reached for comment, but analysts believe the food chain will completely disappear from existence within the next week if Snoop Dogg sticks with his plan to ditch his weed habit.
Their culture is not your costume. DO NOT appropriate ghost, zombie, or vampire culture this Halloween.