November 28, 2023

Local First Baptist Church Softball Team Signs Shohei Ohtani To 10-Year, $600-Million Contract

GASTONIA, NC — In an unexpected move, First Baptist Church of Gastonia has scored a tremendous coup for next spring’s local church softball league by signing superstar outfielder/pitcher Shohei Otani to a lucrative 10-year, $600 million contract.

“This will be a big boost for our team in the coming season,” said Pastor Richard Fliehr of the signing. “We weren’t sure we’d be able to swing it financially, but our staff was able to come up with a way to make it work. Granted, we’ll now be charging for members of the congregation to park at church every Sunday morning and the cups of coffee in the church foyer will now cost $100 each, but we’re sure it’ll all be worthwhile when Otani suits up for our team.”

The move came as a shock to both the other teams in the church softball league as well as the Major League Baseball teams that had been pursuing Otani. The star player said it was not an easy decision. “I had to do what it best for me and my loved ones,” Otani said through an interpreter. “I know there were several MLB teams interested in signing me, but Pastor Fliehr convinced me that God spoke to him and told him I was supposed to sign with First Baptist. As long as the checks clear, it’s fine. I just want to go out and play.”

At publishing time, the other teams in the church softball league were reportedly already at work to move the outfield fences back several hundred feet in preparation for facing Otani.

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