PITTSBURGH, PA — Upon witnessing the unbridled joy that comes with being treated for Hepatitis B, local man Mark Stanton has set his hopes on one day achieving that same level of happiness.
“I wish just once feel the glee of those people being treated for a severe liver infection,” said Stanton forlornly. “There they go riding off in a jeep to eat shrimp on the docks, while here I sit alone eating my microwaved Salisbury steak. If only!”
According to scenes in the commercial, patients facing a serious chronic liver infection radiate unending joy while playing pickle ball and eating bar-b-que with dozens of attractive friends. “Comparatively, my life seems so dull and empty,” said Stanton. “I’m hauling my healthy liver to the same boring job every day, then coming home to the same boring apartment. I suppose it’s the rut that everyone without Hepatitis B finds themselves in. Look at them, laughing on Sea-Doos and petting dolphins! Why not me, Lord? Why couldn’t I be the one with Hepatitis?”
At publishing time, Stanton had become even more jealous after seeing a commercial showing how much fun you can have with methicillin-resistant staphylococcal pneumonia.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.