March 4, 2024

Missing White Girl Found After Search Party Plays ‘Cupid Shuffle’

SALEM, OR — A local white girl who had been missing for three days turned up suddenly after search volunteers got out a large speaker and played “Cupid Shuffle.”

Sources confirmed it had been almost 72 hours since 31-year-old Ashley Biggs had gone missing, leading law enforcement and searchers to expect the worst. As a last resort, they faced the woods with a stereo and played the much-beloved wedding line dance song on full blast.

“WWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” cried Ashley, suddenly jumping out from behind a tree. “To the right, to the right, to the right, to the right! To the left, to the left, to the left, to the left! Now kick, now kick, now kick, now kick! Now walk it by yourself, now walk it by yourself!”

“Come dance with me!”

Salem’s Chief Detective spoke to reporters after Biggs was returned to her grateful family. “We play ‘Cupid Shuffle’ as a last resort whenever we have a missing white girl between the ages of 27 and 38. You play this song and they just come out of the woodwork.”

At publishing time, authorities had confirmed they also found a missing meth head by playing “Cotton Eye Joe.”

By now the whole internet has heard Ben Shapiro rapping, but did you know that there are actually two more verses they cut out of the track?

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