New ‘Jordan Peterson On The Shelf’ Doll Watches To Make Sure You Clean Your Room

TORONTO — In what is sure to become a beloved, time-honored holiday tradition, a local toy company has introduced its new “Jordan Peterson on the Shelf” doll that will sit and watch you to make sure you keep your room clean like a decent, mature adult.

“I can feel his eyes on me whenever I’m in my bedroom,” said Adam Copeland, who placed the Jordan Peterson on the Shelf in his room last week. “I used to have a hard time staying motivated to clean my room and take responsibility, but the shame I felt knowing Dr. Peterson was right there staring at me really led me to get my priorities right.”

The manufacturer hopes this new doll will take off and become even more popular than the traditional “Elf on the Shelf” dolls. “Those elf dolls are just for kids to help them behave,” said marketing executive Jay Reso. “With our new Jordan Peterson doll, people of all ages can benefit from the life-changing guilt trips they will receive from the doll’s wise but judgmental glares.”

Despite the product only being recently introduced, early results appear to be promising. “Yeah, it has made my life so much better,” Copeland said. “Since I put the Jordan Peterson on a Shelf doll in my room, I’ve gotten a job, enrolled for college classes, proposed to my girlfriend, and started taking guitar lessons. I finally feel like I’m on a path toward being a real man.”

At publishing time, the company had also courted liberal consumers with a “Feminist On The Shelf” doll that plays pre-recorded messages blaming your messy room on the patriarchy.

Their culture is not your costume. DO NOT appropriate ghost, zombie, or vampire culture this Halloween.

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