April 17, 2024

Pontius Pilate Sure Glad That Whole ‘Jesus’ Ordeal Is Done With


JERUSALEM — After a difficult week subduing mobs and navigating political landmines, Governor Pontius Pilate was relieved on Saturday to finally have the whole “Jesus of Nazareth” ordeal over and done with for good.

“Whew, glad that’s behind me,” said Pilate as he washed his hands once more. “I’m sure this will all blow over in a week or so. I was starting to worry this ‘Jesus’ episode might end up really coming back to haunt me.”

Though Pilate disagreed with the decision to crucify Jesus, he readily admitted that Jesus’ death helped avoid a stain on his governorship that could make its way into the history books. “I really dodged a stone there,” said Pilate. “A lesser governor could have ended up with a riot on his hands, or even lost control of the populace. I could have become a cautionary tale, like a part of some creed that people repeat. Not Pontius Pilate! Totally crushed it.”

At publishing time, sources reported that Pontius Pilate’s wife had begun rehearsing the “I told you so” speech that she would be repeating every day for the next few millennia.



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