November 30, 2023

Satan Announces Early Retirement Thanks To TikTok

HELL — The world is in shock today after the father of lies abruptly stepped down from his role as “the adversary.” The Devil credited the astonishing performance of TikTok, an invention he reportedly developed together with his business partner Xi Jinping.

“I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching as it were — I mean, I don’t have one, but you get the idea — and I believe it’s time to retire,” said Satan during an impromptu press conference. “There just isn’t anything for me to really, you know, do anymore. I think TikTok has it pretty well covered.”

Attendees at the press conference gasped and cried out, although sources claim it is unclear if they were upset that the devil would be retiring or if it was because they were being burned in an eternal fire that could not be quenched.

“Look, this isn’t goodbye,” said Beelzebub. “I’ll still be around. But let’s face it, no one needs this ole serpent no more. TikTok is basically a portable version of me that you can carry everywhere and use throughout the day.”

The prince of darkness then warned his demons not to use TikTok themselves.

“Even I’m a little scared of TikTok,” said Satan. “I’d never use that thing. Do you know what body dysmorphia is like? It’s not pretty. I can tell you that.”

At publishing time, Satan had confirmed plans to vacation in China and celebrate with President Xi.

Their culture is not your costume. DO NOT appropriate ghost, zombie, or vampire culture this Halloween.

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