June 22, 2024

With Biden Stalling, Israel Announces They Will Just Get American Weapons From Taliban

TEL AVIV — With Biden delaying shipments of U.S. weaponry, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced today they will just obtain it from the Taliban instead.

“The Taliban has over $80 billion worth, so no big deal,” explained Netanyahu at a press conference. “Honestly, the transaction and shipping will be way more efficient than dealing with the American government.”

Biden handed over $86 billion in American weaponry to the Taliban in 2021, but denied shipments to Israel last week over concerns that they might not be as responsible as the Taliban. “We just don’t trust the Jewish nation, they’re very sneaky,” sad Biden spokesman John Kirby. “We in the Biden administration want to be extremely cautious about who we allow to have such sophisticated weaponry, which is why the primary people we give weapons to are Eastern European warlords and the guys who did 9/11.”

With the weapons shipments on hold while the few living hostages remain under Hamas control, Israel decided to simply purchase American weaponry from the enormous store in Afghanistan. “There are tons of American weaponry stores all across Afghanistan, plenty to choose from,” said an IDF commander. “My personal favorite is Muhammed’s Army Surplus, very good prices. We’ll be fine.”

At publishing time, Israel had announced that if the Taliban ran out of American weaponry, they would start purchasing it from the dealer in Qatar next to where the Hamas leaders live.

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