April 17, 2024

Woman Awakened From 5-Year Coma Reveals 8 Things She’s Most Excited To Check In On

After falling into a coma back in 2019, one woman beat the odds and woke up five years later! Today for the Bee, she reveals the eight things she is most looking forward to checking in on here in 2024:

  1. Her super-solid investment in Bed, Bath & Beyond: Well, at least she’ll have accumulated ten thousand of those 20% off coupons.
  2. How Britney Spears has probably been freed by now and is doing great mentally: Um… sure.
  3. How that weird transgender craze ended up dying off: Might be time to mention her niece Jessica now goes by “Gary”.
  4. How Trump has continued to bring about world peace and fight inflation in his second term: Welp.
  5. What Kanye West has been up to: So much. Just so, so much.
  6. What incredible medical advances have occurred: Well, we did fill in skate parks with sand and drew little circles on the floor six feet apart. So, there’s that.
  7. What new movies that cute, perky actress Ellen Page has been in: Oh, boy… er, girl.
  8. What famous people were brought down by that Jeff Epstein guy they arrested: There have been a few hiccups, but the Babylon Bee is still keeping close track of exactly how many pedophiles have been brought down with this handy counter.

It’s a whole new world out there in 2024 – welcome back!

It’s a serious medical emergency: you’re minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.

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