Columbia Switches To Online Classes So Jewish Students Can Participate From The Attics Where They Are Hiding

NEW YORK, NY — In the wake of ongoing anti-Israel protests that have engulfed the school’s campus, Columbia University announced it has switched to online classes so Jewish students can participate from the attics where they are hiding.

The school’s leadership met earlier in the week to discuss options that would ease tensions on campus and allow Jewish students to continue their education without leaving the safety of the attics where they have been forced to take refuge from rampant antisemitism among large pockets of the student body.

“I’m glad I can still do my coursework,” one Jewish student said after the announcement was made. “After being relegated to hiding here in this attic, I was afraid that I’d start missing too many classes and my grades would suffer. Thankfully, the administration has been kind enough to give me online access to my classes right here in this attic while they allow violent antisemitic protests to sweep across campus. Thanks!”

Though anti-Israel protestors were disappointed that they would have fewer opportunities to threaten and berate people on campus, Jewish students were relieved. “Online classes make it really convenient,” said another Jewish student. “Whether I’m out of town, sick in bed, or hiding in an attic to avoid being assaulted by an angry mob who want me and everyone else of my ethnicity wiped off the face of the earth, I don’t have to worry about missing any assignments.”

At publishing time, the Columbia administration had put forth plans to load Jewish students onto train cars and transport them to special camps to help them concentrate.

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