May 21, 2024

Ivy League Grads Slip Below County Fair Carnies On Forbes List Of Most Desirable Employee Candidates


U.S. — Forbes has released its newest list of “Most Desirable Employee Candidates”, which saw Ivy League graduates slip down just below carnies and the people who wash car windows at stoplights.

“We surveyed the top 500 companies in the United States,” explained lead author Dan Rollins. “Employers consistently stated they would pass over a Harvard or Columbia grad for a guy with two years of experience operating a Tilt-A-Whirl. It’s been quite a shift.”

According to Rollins, most CEOs stated they wouldn’t even bother interviewing an Ivy League grad if they had the option to hire a four-year carnie with balloon dart experience. “The carnies are so much better at conversing with people from every walk of life. They aren’t stuck in that Ivy League bubble,” explained business owner Larry Fink. “Also, they don’t attempt to burn down your corporate office because the break room coffee machine was made in Israel. Advantage, carnie.”

Carnies received higher marks than Ivy League grads in work ethic, interpersonal communication, and not attempting to destroy people and institutions with racist neo-Marxist ideology. “The only real downside to hiring carnies instead of Columbia grads is we had to go back to allowing smoke breaks,” said Fink. “Otherwise, it’s been a massive upgrade. No stating pronouns, no trigger warnings, no boycotts… and they actually know how to work. I’ll take that along with some Marlboro Reds any day.”

At publishing time, Forbes had updated the list again as Ivy League graduates fell below guys who drive poorly marked ice-cream trucks around family neighborhoods.


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